Friday, July 31, 2009

You would think

Marc Bolan is the only thing keeping me going this week. I've been playing his records nonstop since a rancorous meeting of the International Society of Giant and Regular Size Sundial Admirers of the United States and Canada in Banff where my Norwegian temper flared. The arguments were so loud I thought we would break the windows of the Banff Springs Hotel. Some people call it the Fairmont Banff Springs Hotel, but to me it will always be the Banff Springs Hotel just as the "Sheraton Palace" in San Francisco will always be the Palace to me.

Sundial admirers are very sensitive people. The Society worked on its plans to put out a coffee table book called, naturally, Tempus Fugit, but believe me tempus didn't fugit that weekend of our junket, er I mean, conference. I think things will work out. When the movie is made of the conference called Banff Sundial Interoperability Capability Milestone it will star "Mr. Anger" John Malkovich and "Miss T-Mobile" Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Here are some famous sundial mottos. Can you guess which one is quoted in "Rushmore"?
A LUMINE MOTUS - Moved by light ABSQUE SOLE, ABSQUE USU - Without sun, without use AGE QUOD AGIS - Do what you are doing ALIIS INSERVIENDO CONSUMOR - By serving others, I am worn away ARS LONGA, VITA BREVIS - Art lasts, life is short ASPICE ET ABI - Look (at me) and pass on ASPICE ME - Look upon me BULLA EST VITA HUMANA - Human life is a bubble DEO FAVENTE - With God's favour DEUS ADEST LABORANTIBUS - God favors the diligent DEUS EST LUMEN LUMINIS - God is the light of light DIES DIEM TRUDIT - Each day forces out another day DISCE BENE VIVERE & MORI - Learn to live well and to die well PAISLEY PUELLA REQUIRO REEF AMO HAUD ADEPTO SICCO - Paisley girl misses reef like no get out DISCE DIES NUMERARE TUOS - Learn to value your days DUM SPECTAS FUGIO - I flee even as you observe me EX HOC MOMENTO PENDET AETERNITAS - Eternity is hinged upon this moment FESTINA LENTE - Make haste slowly HINC VIVERE DISCE, HOMO QUASI UMBRA - A man is like a shadow HORA PARS VITAE - Every hour is a part of life ICH DIEN - I serve (German)I LLINC DISCE MORI - Learn to live on this side, learn to live on the other side (i.e. of the sundial)IN COELO QUIES - In heaven is restIO VADE E VEGNO OGNI GIORNO, MA TU ANDRAI SENZA RITORNO - I go and come every day, but thou shalt go without returning (Italian)ITA VITA - Thus (passes) lifeLABOR IPSE VOLUPTAS - Labor contains pleasure last one to shine upon you LEX DEI, LUX DEI - The law of God, the light of God MORA TRAHIT PERICULUM - Delay engenders perils MUNDI OCULUS - The eye of the worldNE QUID PEREAT - Let nothing be lostNEMO SINE CRIMINE VIVIT - Nobody lives sinlessly NIL SINE NOBIS - Nothing exists without us NON NOBIS NATI SUMUS - We are not born for ourselves NON REDIBO - I shall not return NON SINE LUMINE - Not without light NOSCE TEIPSUM - Know thyself OMNEM CREDE DIEM TIBI DILUXISSE SUPREMUM - Assume that every day is the OMNIA FALCE METIT TEMPUS - Time reaps everything with its sickle OMNIA FERT AETAS - Time brings all things OMNIBUS LUCET - It shines for all PER I FELICI ED I TRISTI SEGNO UGULAMENTE LE ORE - For the happy and the sad, I mark the hours alike (Itaian)POST TENEBRAS SPERO LUCEM - I hope for light after darkness POST VOLUPTATEM MISERICORDIA - After pleasure - pity QUALIS VITA, FINIS ITA - Each life has an end that suits it QUID CELERIUS TEMPORE? - What is swifter than time? SAPIENTIS EST NUMERARE - It is the wise who count SENZA PALAR DA TUTTI SON INTESO. SENZA PALESO FAR RUMOR L'ORA - Without speaking, I am understood by all, without a noise, I reveal the hour (Italian)SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI - Thus passes the glory of this world SILENS LOQUOR - THOUGH SILENT, I SPEAK SINE SOLE SILEO - Without sun, I am silent SINE UMBRA NIHIL - Without shadow nothing SOL DEUS VISIBILIS, DEUS SOL INVISIBILIS - The Sun is the visible god, God the invisible sunSOL REGIT OMNIA - The sun rules allSUB SOLE VANITAS - Vanity under the sunTEMPUS AD LUCEM DUCIT VERITATEM - Time brings truth to light ULTIMA DECIDET - The last one decidesUMBRA DEI - The shadow of God UMBRA! QUID ASPICIS? UMBRAM - Shadow! What seest thout? Shadow UNAM TIME - Fear one hour VENI, VIDE, VALE - Come, see, farewell VERITAS TEMPORIS FILIA - Truth is the daughter of time VIA VITAE - The road of life VIGILATE & ORATE, TEMPUS FUGIT - Be vigilant and pray, for the time hastes away VOICI VOTRE HEURE - Here is your hour (French)VOS ESTIS LUX MUNDI - You are the light of the world

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

As I enjoy my typical Norwegian breakfast of cheese horn, fish and scalding hot coffee an LP entitled Midnight Cowboy (not the original soundtrack)is playing on my Swedish-modern hi-fi. People ask me why I have two grand pianos in my Telegraph Hill towerette. "It's an art installation." I reply. They just don't get it. Admittedly pianos don't leave room for a couch, not even one that can be resized with hedge clippers, but piano benches are excellent for sitting yoga, keeping the back straight. Comfy chairs only encourage slouching.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

All trumpets played by Herb Alpert

Whilst looking at a photos by Avedon at the SFMOMA on Sunday, I remarked to Junk Thief that I was reminded of Herb Alpert by Leibovitz on the cover of Blow Your Own Horn. Herb has no shirt on and there is a glistening drop of saliva just about to fall from the mouthpiece of the brass instrument that he caresses in his hands. Avedon caught people off-guard and Leibovitz shewed their blemishes. I still wouldn't mind sleeping with Herb or the Tijuana Brass. Herb looks like a cross between Tom Jones (yum) and Ricardo Montelban the Latin actor Junk Thief immortalized in a Cordoba pastiche. I'm putting Herb on my IPOD pulling on an IZOD and heading to a rich Corinthian leather bar!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Slightly used upside down crown rib roast chandelier for sale

I spoke with legal this morning and they said that there is no trademark infringement problem with using "Crown" as the name of my new crown rib roast lighting fixture company because no one will confuse it with the German fork lift company. You see, I am accepting Digdug Cuckoo Clock Ltd.'s golden parachute of considerably less than GM's CEO's $10,000,000. I'll use my $500.16 parachute to buy a rib roast and rent a storefront. Well, at least a rib roast. A crown rib roast chandelier is the perfect compliment to crown molding.

Here are some actual German fork lift drivers. Even though I don't lift things (I have other people lift them for me) I have always been obsessed about the rules for correctly lifting something (with the knees). I'm sure I would be a ruined man if I lifted something incorrectly, so I don't bother to lift anything including a finger.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

More Roasts

Of the titling of my previous post "Crow Rib Roast" - wasn't that a Freudian slip! There's nothing left for me to do here now that I've been realigned so I am enjoying the pleasures of corporate life by munching on a crown rib roast prepared by the fellow who used to be my corporate chef. I am enjoying it by myself in the walnut boardroom where my portrait used to hang above the fireplace. Bill has replaced it with an oil painting of an oil tanker for some unknown reason.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Crow Rib Roast

Bill and I had our first meeting after the coup, I mean, smooth transition. He asked me what I thought our value drivers were. I said I wasn't sure any more. The retro-Black Forest kitsch movement was over and people were throwing their antler chandeliers into the recycling bin (as well as our products). He was befuddled. Well, that's right his career has been putting coal in childrens' Christmas stockings not interior design,home furnishings or the gift and tourist industries. I threw out a new idea: because of the current economic conditions people were doing "staycations", but still wanted to feel like they had been to Europe. There was a need for fake souvenirs. In other words people could claim to their ski bunny and ski bunny venture capitalist friends that they had been to Tuscany when in fact they were in Fairfield in the Quality Inn enjoying compimentary breakfasts. So, I suggested to our new CEO that we open shops all over the U.S. called "All the Junk You Forgot to Bring Home from Europe." He suggested I work from home.

As they say in the Tao of Communication: Patterns in people's reactions to change enable the organization to effectively manage human behaviors.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Change Journey

This morning I was ousted as CEO of the Digdug Cuckoo Clock Company effective immediately. I still remain president of the corporation. Our new CEO Bill Ludmack (pictured) has my full support. He has many years experience in the pharmaceutical industry as well as coal. Bill emphasized how we had to "dig" in in this economy. You'll find him a very personable man. Fun at barbecues.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Miniature Tigers

Miniature Tigers are coming to the Cafe du Nord along with FAREWELL TYPEWRITER Tuesday July 7. AND same venue July 17: FLIPPER!!!! Here's what the Nord has to say about them:

Early 80's San Francisco Punk Rock!!Flipper, one of history's most in-your-face outfits, was championed by Biafra. Although not hardcore kids, these SF Punk vets with ex-members of The Offs and Negative Trend made their name playing to Hardcore Punk crowds.Ted Falconi, Steve DePace, Bruce Loose, and Will Shatter-a sleazy, unserious indulgent mooch of dubious character, but an incredibly talented artist and musician-could torture young audiences like no one else.

I'm proud to say my hearing was ruined forever one evening at the Mabuhay Gardens when Flipper played S*x Bomb - one of the greatest screeching bray song ever written with a base bit that signifies the id.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


When I let go of my cheese monger along with the rest of the staff (big tear fogs up my monicle) I wasn't sure what he would do. He's found a new job thanks to this listing on Craig's List:

Are you a Cheese Specialist looking for a whole new way of working? A brand new retail marketplace and bistro is scheduled to open soon in the Showplace Square/Potrero Hill district. We are actively looking for experienced Cheese Lead for a start up concept store "Market Gallery". The store will showcase ongoing selections of local, international and private label gourmet products in addition to cooking classes, home and garden products and monthly events at the store. This "ever-changing" retail concept will also showcase culinary and garden-related antiques and salvaged artifacts. The individuals we're are looking for will ensure quality guest service through active listening, have the ability to identify the best products for the customer and suggesting alternatives and/or additional items as appropriate. They thrive on interaction and consistently meet or exceed their sales and customer service goals!

Yes, Ole is now a Cheese Lead. I liked the store's idea of showcasing salvaged artifacts with cheese. Paxton Gate does not carry cheese. Perhaps someone moved their cheese.