Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Katherine Zeta-Jones for Portobello

Will Melanie become the spokesperson? Lincoln Continental, the biggest competitor to the 'bello is having a contest where the netizens the nettin prols get to choose which pop song will be the theme for the next Continental ads.

Since the sustainable, hybrid Chrysler Portobello (50 miles to the gallon and 5.95 a pound) is a neo-70's car and the Continental is more reminiscent of the excessive 80's the Portobello Division marketing department is trying to get Cat Stevens or 60s singer Melanie to sing the praises of the luxury car.

Here are the lyrics (take that! - Continental!)

ARTIST: Melanie Safka
TITLE: I've Got a Brand New Chrysler Portobello(You've Got a Brand New Key)
Lyrics and Chords
I rode my Chrysler Portobello past your window last night
I drove it to your door at daylight
It almost seems like you're avoiding me
I'm OK alone but you've got something I need, well
/ C - - - / G7 - - - / C - - - / F - G7 - /
/ C - / / / / F - / F FG7 / C - / /
I ride my bike, I roller skate, and I drive no car except the Portobello
Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far
For somebody who don't drive much, I been all around the world
Some people say I done all right for a girl
I asked your mother if you were at home
She said yes, but you weren't alone
Oh, sometimes I think that you're avoiding me
I'm OK alone but you got something I need, well

Friday, March 19, 2010

Chrysler Portobello publicity speeds across the Web

Last night I did a performance piece using a 1/20th scale model of my Chrysler Portobello. Perhaps this revolutionary car is hard to comprehend. On a practical level I demonstrated how easy it is to park a car with one wheel. You simply turn the wheel perpendicular to the curb and voila! p.s. News of the Portobello is spreading across the web.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Digdug Sued

"How dare you!" I screamed over the speakerphone at the attorney. "I've been going to the clambake since before you were born. I know Kathryn Crosby!"

The reason he called me was this: I displayed a pic of the Lone Cypress on my last blog entry (the photo is now removed). The tree is, apparently, a registered trademark of the Pebble Beach Company.

No one can paint, sculpt, or photograph the Lone Cypress nor use it in any video or performance art and then sell the work product. There are signs posted around the tree "DO NOT PAINT" and "NO PERFORMANCE ART." Though my blog is free and I gain nothing monetarily from it (believe it or not) I took down a photo from my last post. How did an impressionistic painting of the Lone Cypress end up on this post? I believe that a hacker posted it there and forged my name.

At any rate I am ready to fully cooperate and orz in front of the Pebble Beach Company so as not to risk my placing in or winning the Concours d' Elegance with my Chrysler Portobello.

Speaking of artists, according to the Monterey Weekly artist Paxton Mobley painted "Happy Hour at the Lone Cypress" showing a tree used as a table with a brandy glass on top of it. He is now forbidden to even set foot on Pebble Beach property or I would invite him to the Concours.

BTW, I asked the attorney if it was okay to leave the 3,000 year old Hindu painting of a cypress on my last blog entry. He said he would think about it.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Chrysler's commitment to sustainability

Every year I drive down to Pebble for Bill Murray’s gags and repartee, and in 2010 I return in August where my Chrysler Portobello will be a shining star in the Concours d’ Elegance. Publicity is already mushrooming. Here is copy from the brochure that the Chrysler legal department has graciously allowed me to reprint:

The Chrysler Portobello makes its debut at the Pebble Beach Concours d’ Elegance. The first example of this stunning super car is on display, detailing the quintessence of Chrysler engineering and design expertise. The culmination of all the marque’s know-how, it delivers effortless beauty with performance potential eclipsing any previous Chrysler. It promises a driving experience of unrivalled intensity and excitement while representing the world’s most desirable automotive art form.

Chrysler's commitment to sustainability is evidenced by the fact that the car is self-generating. It has a revolutionary dirt floor and every spring little Portobellos start their path to a full size car right inside the vehicle. The LS model is not equipped with a dirt floor, but a few squirts of the spray bottle on its blue-green shag carpeting and lil' Bellos will sprout.

Though it only comes in tan, brown, or black the car is very green. It relies on electric energy from an amazing storage battery located on the underside the car that powers “spark” plugs which then ignite gaseous fumes in the cylinders that turn the drive train. Its aerodynamics and single wheel contribute to gas mileage that far exceeds any SUV. The car’s heater saves energy by relying on heat from decaying vegetable matter.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Theory of everything

When I asked the waitress at the Little A 'Le' Inn which theory of everything she subscribed to in she said, "I gave you everything and you et it all. Didja want and extra dill pickle? No charge"

"No, " I corrected, "I'm talking about theories that explain time, matter, space and the origin of the universe."

"Oh. You'd better spend the night then and ask them space aliens. Besides it's getting dark and you don't want to drive back to The Strip at night. You might hit a cow."

I stayed in one of the Inn's rooms, a double-wide that was quite comfortable. Spacecraft adorned the walls. There was a selection of video tapes for the VCR including The V.I.P.s, but I spent a lot of time outside watching the stars. The number of stars! I saw a satellite orbiting the Earth- way up there like a book mite making its way across the night sky dark as shale.
People have asked me where the steering wheel is on the Chrysler Portobello. There is no steering wheel. You steer by the seat of your pants.